The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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