The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
