Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
