Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
