I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
