So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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