i'm lost and i look like a hooker
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
It's no shave November. This is our time.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
