drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
