just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
