I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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