Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
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he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
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That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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