Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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