the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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