I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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