I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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