remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
