Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
