I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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