And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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