i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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