I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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