I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
my vag is so smooth its legendary
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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