Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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