I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The Olympian is in my bed
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
