When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
