if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
