My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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