it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
