Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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