I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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