When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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