Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
