Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
