so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
