I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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