I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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