I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
