You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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