i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
3 2 1 whiskey
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
