what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
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omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Ladies don't puke and tell
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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