Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Acid is not a monday night drug
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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