Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
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What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
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See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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