so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
