omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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