Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
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