you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
