hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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