Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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