Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
