Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
