as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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