When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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