All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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