Soap is not a condiment
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
