we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
