Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
