Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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