You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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