Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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