What did we do last night that was yellow?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
